Tribewanted: Vorovoro

Greetings from the southern hemisphere to all you readers ‘n’ believers. Utopia exists. I hope this blog finds ya well ‘n’ happy – just like me. What’s been happening in this part of the world? Well, let’s start here on an average week day:

5:58am
Open one eye. Open second eye. Stretch and vacate the four poster bed. Put on some boardies and leave the chief’s bure. Stop. Take a deep breath and absorb the serene surroundings. It’s another glorious day in Vorovoro.

6:00am
Bang the village ‘lali’ (drum). This signifies the sun rise and I getta kick outta waking up the whole village. The man called Save (Captain Culture) taught me the correct method and it goes something like this:

D-dum… (4secs)
...
D-dum… (3secs)
...
D-dum… (2secs)
...
D-dum… (1 sec)
...
D-dum…D-D-D-d-d-d-d… d… d… (fade out)
…
DUM!
…
DUM!
…
DUM!
…
DUM!
…
DUM!
…
DUM!

Good morning Vorovoro!

6:01am
Grab some snorkelling gear and leg it to the ocean before an angry tribe member batters me! Haha, too late, I’m off with the fishies. The sea is warm and clear. Warm and clear. These early morning coral sessions are the best starts and one doesn’t have to go far before and underwater kingdom reveals itself. Loud shout going out to the blue sea-stars. Respect to the sting rays. Watch yourself Mr Jellyfish.

7:00am
Hang out on the floating pontoon, appreciating Vorovoro in all its lushness, contemplating and waiting for the kitchen bell to ring.

7:15am
Breakfast. Cuppa cha (tea), bowl of porridge, slice of papaya. Sorted. Rolling on to the picnic tables by the beach. Perhaps watch a baby turtle hatch and scuttle down to the sea. God speed little fella.

8:50am
Blow the ‘duvui’ to alert the tribe for the 9am meeting. The duvui is a giant shell horn that Tevita gave me. I am musically handicapped so it was no surprise that my first attempt sounded like a pathetic raspberry fart. This is no good, so I took a trip up to the waterfall and practised. It has now been mastered and a deep, rumbling VOOOOOOOOOOooouuuuu is produced each time. Yes yes. The locals are well impressed.

9:00am
The tribe and Team Fiji congregate in the Grand Bure for a quick meeting. This involves talking about current trips, projects, and letting people get involved as much as they want to.

10:30am
Morning tea with banana cake. Or chocolate cake. Maybe a pancake (or three).

12:30pm
Lunch time. What goodness has the chef’s created today?

12:45pm
A little siesta. That cheeky lil’ power-nap to recharge the batteries. Ideally up in the hammock in the treehouse.

3:30pm
Afternoon tea. With yet more cake. Perhaps donuts. If anyone coming to Vorovoro thought they would loose weight, they would be mistaken.

4:30pm
Mock the tribe taking part in Elaine’s tortuous workout class. L-O-O-S-E-R-S! There’s no exercise in paradise. Go eat some more cake.

6:30pm
What’s the time Mr Wolf? Dinner time! It’s non-stop work for the belly acids.

7:30pm
Grab the sulu (sarong) and settle down at the top of the mat for some high tides of grog. Indoors or outdoors, it always turns in to a Fijian acoustic concert…

“Dulaaa duuuuuuuuula laaaaaaaywaaah…”

10:30pm (ish)
Swim out to the pontoon and try not to think of ‘Jaws’. I recommend distracting yourself by backstroking and looking up at the milkyway. Lay on the pontoon and count the shooting stars. But it gets better… the sea is full of magic… when you swim thousands of illuminated twinkling algae appear. What is this called? Phosphorescents or something? Whatever they are, no LSD is required, this is a natural trip. The best sort of trip. Twinkles everywhere. As above, so below.

A conclusion could be drawn from this routine that I’m doing sweet F.A! But it’s not true. No no no. I am constantly running round in between the routine and making sure all the tribe is happy, cleaning the place, chatting to the Fiji staff to see what can be improved and overseeing current projects. Here’s what’s been happening recently:

The construction of more accommodation
An area has been cleared near the volleyball court. The frame has been completed. Tui Mali popped over and joined in the grafting. Marau (Village Manager) assures me that it’ll be finished by the end of March. But they say ‘yes’ to everything. Pupu (the Knowledge) just laughs and says it will be completed in forty blinks.

Piglet problems
We have two adult pigs called Bacon and Sausage (they may have been renamed). The family increased with the birth of four piglets back in January. The little mischief makers have been squeezing through the sty’s wire fence and munching on Crimestopper Api’s radishes. He looked offended. He talks to the plants like they’re his children so the sty has been secured. No more take-aways. The farm is safe. Api is happy happy happy. Oi oi oi.

Tanoa Park
The pitch has been given a face lift. It has been widened. Stones ‘n’ weeds removed. Wheelbarrows full of sand have been brought up from the beach and it’s looking cooshtie. Calling Man U and all the big guns, we’re ready for yah! (Day time only, flood lights are in the R&D stage).

Rafting
The tribe has been collecting bamboo in the attempt to build a raft. Alas, it keeps ending up on the nightly camp fires. Progress is s-l-o-w. Very slow indeed.

Meke
Meke love, not war. There’s often a daily class to bring the new members in to the wonderful world of meke – Fijian dancing. Rope has been purchased and the ‘voi’ (special tree bark) has been prepared for the meke skirts. A little job to do around the grog bowl.

Map making
All Saints Secondary School have requested a map of their school. It took me over a month to complete the Vorovoro map and they want theirs in a couple of weeks. Oh selector please! Fortunately, there are many eager hands here so we accept the challenge. Shells have been collected and the plywood canvas is being painted at this very moment. Someone alert the Tate Modern.

Kitchen troubles
The infamous double barrel oven made by Pupu (Episode 1 of ‘Paradise or Bust’) needs repairing. There’s a crack allowing flames to enter the oven space and torch the cake. Replacement parts have been ordered. The cooks are adapting and knocking out daily feasts. Who needs Jamie Oliver when Va is in the place to be? Not us.

Showers
One of the bucket showers is blocked. The other one’s tap device fell off. The waterfall is but a drip. The tribe is a wee bit smelly. One of the problems has been rectified. The other is in a state of fixation and the third is dependant on Mother Nature. No hurricanes please.

Fitness fanatics
A tribe member by the name of Elaine has started up a daily fitness class. It looks pretty hardcore and people come away walking funny and hugging their stomachs. Coconuts are used as weights. Some of the exercises are a Fiji first and there’s talk of recording them for the local rugby team – The Sharks.

Rat attack-tack-tack
The friendly vermin have been nibbling on sleeping peeps. Yep, disgusting, horrific and true. But what to do?

a) Introduce a cat
This could mess up the eco system big time. The giant frogs wouldn’t be happy.

b) Poison
But where does the rat go and die? Would another creature eat the poisoned rat and suffer a similar fate? We need a Buffy the Vampire Slyer style death of dust.

c) Glue
Inhumane but effective.

We opted for ‘c’. Please send alternative ideas through.

I can here the kitchen bell ringing and it’s making me salivate so that’ll be all from Tui Koli.

Merry Easter.

P.S.
My glue trap caught one rodent. It was a little distressing to see it stuck to the board and hyperventilating. It was given a cookie as a last meal before being put out of its misery. The same trap was used the following night with the deceased rat attached. The following morning the body had disappeared! No one had removed it. Is this the beginning of a zombie rat invasion? Hmmmm, very, very suspicious.