Tribewanted: Vorovoro

Current mood: cheerful

Wooohooooo !!! Still here. There’s life in the old bugger yet. Need to lose some weight though else I’ll have to move to <st1:city><st1:place>Glasgow</st1:place></st1:city> to look thin. Did you know the average weight of a 5 year-old Glaswegian is 14 stone 10 pounds and the average life expectancy is seven and a half ? Hardly surprising when they eat deep fried lard seven times a day and smoke 40 filterless Rothmans in between meals. If any Scottish people are reading this, I’m joking. <o:p></o:p>

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But not much.<o:p></o:p>

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Spent Christmas and New Year "oop North" in tropical <st1:place>Yorkshire</st1:place> with my Mum, sister and son. Every single film we watched on telly went like this:<o:p></o:p>

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Opening credits. Film starts.<o:p></o:p>

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"Oh, that’s that bloke who was in something last week – what’s his name ?"<o:p></o:p>

"Which bloke? That one there?"<o:p></o:p>

"No the one with the brown hair and the nose"<o:p></o:p>

"Oh, I know him. Can’t remember his name though. I think he’s been in Casualty"<o:p></o:p>

"No, that was someone else. He’s called something."<o:p></o:p>

"Oh, I know the one yeah. He did that other thing too didn’t he"<o:p></o:p>

"I think so. He’s married to that woman. She was in The Bill two years ago. Think she got mugged. She might have brown hair now though."<o:p></o:p>

"What’s this film about ?"<o:p></o:p>

"It’s about those people who do that stuff"<o:p></o:p>

"Sounds good. Ooooooh – looook!!! It’s him!!!"<o:p></o:p>

"Who?"<o:p></o:p>

"That one there!!! I saw him in <st1:place>Leeds</st1:place> last month. He had two legs then though. I asked him who he was."<o:p></o:p>

"Who was he?"<o:p></o:p>

"It was him there – the one on the right with one leg."<o:p></o:p>

"Never seen him before. You sure he was in <st1:place>Leeds</st1:place> ?"<o:p></o:p>

"Yes !!! He was wearing a black jacket and had these boots on. I knew it was him."<o:p></o:p>

"Oh yeah, so it is!! Was it those black boots?"<o:p></o:p>

"Think so"<o:p></o:p>

"I don’t know which ones you mean but I know who it is. He’s been it lots of stuff"<o:p></o:p>

"I’ve never seen him on telly before, just in <st1:place>Leeds</st1:place>"<o:p></o:p>

"Maybe he’s an actor"<o:p></o:p>

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Commercial break. Silence.<o:p></o:p>

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Film resumes.<o:p></o:p>

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"Is this in <st1:country-region><st1:place>America</st1:place></st1:country-region> or <st1:place>Africa</st1:place>?"<o:p></o:p>

"Dunno – what’s the weather like?"<o:p></o:p>

"Dunno – they’re underground. Might be sunny outside though. That one’s got an accent so it might be somewhere."<o:p></o:p>

"What are they doing underground?"<o:p></o:p>

"I think they’re coming out. They were doing something underground and now they’ve finished so the one with the brown hair is gonna do something."<o:p></o:p>

" I can’t follow this at all. Where did that one come from?"<o:p></o:p>

"What, him there or that one?"<o:p></o:p>

"Are we still on the adverts?"<o:p></o:p>

"I’m not sure. Not seen this advert before if we are. Might be a new one for Christmas though. They’re always doing stuff like that. Did you see that one last year?"<o:p></o:p>

"Which one?"<o:p></o:p>

"The one with the pudding"<o:p></o:p>

"What, Christmas pudding?"<o:p></o:p>

"Nooooooo !!! Yorkshire pudding. I think. It had that bald bloke in it."<o:p></o:p>

"He’s dead now."<o:p></o:p>

"No he’s not"<o:p></o:p>

"He is"<o:p></o:p>

"He isn’t cos he was on Emmerdale last month"<o:p></o:p>

"I didn’t see that one. Think I was taking the dogs for a walk"<o:p></o:p>

"You should have said, I’d have video’d it for you."<o:p></o:p>

"Didn’t know it was on"<o:p></o:p>

"It wasn’t him anyway come to think of it. He had some hair."<o:p></o:p>

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…….. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah………..<o:p></o:p>

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Closing credits<o:p></o:p>

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"See – I said it wasn’t him"